Feb 12, 2022
Off season was supposed to be a time of rest + recovery. A time that really ramped up my spirits + my creativity.
Instead, I found myself consumed by doubt and loneliness.
That sounds extremely dramatic, but hear me out. I quit my job in an early childhood education facility that was bustling with 2 1/2-5 year olds. Before I left in August of 2021, I spent every single week day for SEVEN YEARS surrounded by those kids + my amazing coworkers. In early childhood, there is no off season.
When I left there, I jumped right into the busiest time of my life. Portrait sessions almost every night, inquiry calls with 2022 couples, editing until my eyes bled, and 2021 weddings alllllll the time.
In December, I had 3 weddings, jumped on a plane to the greatest city in the world (NYC, did I even need to say that), came home just in time for all of the the Christmas + New Years plans, then boom–
No weddings. No sessions. Sub-artic temperatures that encouraged me to stay inside. My parents and brothers went back to school (3/4 of them are teachers, the 4th is in college). One of my best friends moved to Florida. My roommate jumped into the most perfect relationship. But me?
I had no plans. Nothing to look forward to. I stared at the same four walls every day. Alone.
Again, dramatic, but welcome to my January mindset.
| It’s important for me to add this- there is more here than “I was alone + sad.” If you’ve ever struggled with your mental health, you know that the way you feel or the thoughts that race through your brain don’t always make logical sense. But, these are the things my depression was telling me. |
I’ve spent my entire life filling my schedule- both fleeing my mental health struggles + equating busy with success. So if I’m not busy…what does that mean? If I’m not busy, I must sit in my anxiety + depression.
I didn’t want to pick up my camera for weeks. I spent most of my month working on guides + resources that I knew would make my life easier in the coming months (yay for the small wins of productivity). Or I was watching Yellowstone.
After a few weeks of moping (and running out of episodes), I finally decided it was time to face the self-doubt + uninspired emotions the best way I knew how.
From behind the camera. Just how it all started so many years ago.
I texted my cousin + brother’s girlfriend telling them my idea. To which, I got two quick YES’. We all know Trader Joe’s is the best place to pick up flowers, so I ran to do that. Stapled some fabric to the wall, and I made sure you couldn’t ever see the yellow carpet, because ew. We turned on some music.
And just like that, I could feel the creativity rush over me. That’s when I decided to do this more often- to stay inspired + to give my MTP friends the best experience with me, I needed to make myself a priority + make space where I get to create art that touches my heart.
Maybe just one of you feel the way I do. And to that person, I say this:
When your hobby becomes your career, it’s easy to forget how or why you started. When you feel alone or uninspired, it’s easy to feel defeated, rewatch Friends for the 170th time, and just mope. I did too. But it’s important that we pick ourselves up, make space to refill your cup, and find the spark again. We owe it to ourselves + the people that will soon hire us to capture their moments.
So, staple some fabric on a wall, use the sunshine to your benefit, and create or document something that makes YOU smile. I promise, it’s worth it. <3
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